The Blood & Moone Files – Episode 5: Pig in a Poke (Final Edit) Written by Justin Evans | Final Showrunner Edit S1 - E5 - PIG IN A POKE DOG BOY DAN Welcome back, my babies. When we last saw the Blood and Moone boys, they were sittin’ cross-legged in front of a wood-burning witch tryin’ to figure out how to manage the hell knight squattin’ in Chandler’s skull. Not exactly your average therapy session, huh? Seems like Sheriff Cooke is tightening the screws this week, Chandler's gettin’ a little time with a new flame, and the boys go pokin’ around where maybe they shouldn’t. You ever hear the saying “pig in a poke”? Means buyin’ somethin’ sight unseen. And baby, what they find tonight? You wouldn’t want it in a poke. Let’s listen in. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – MORNING SFX: File drawer slams. Footsteps. Door shuts. SHERIFF COOKE You made me look like a damn fool AGAIN, Chandler. CHANDLER BLOOD Sir, I didn’t mean— SHERIFF COOKE Save it. I know about your little late-night field trips. You wanna chase shadows, fine. But pulling a no call-no show after I explicitly told you to tighten up? You keep going down this road and next time, the thing in the bag won’t be pork. CHANDLER BLOOD Wait, how did you know about that? SHERIFF COOKE I know more about the goins on in this town than you do about your own dick. Now you listen to me Blood, and you listen good. I’m offerin’ you a spot on the winning team, son. Keep makin’ noise, keep going MIA and you’ll learn fast—justice don’t care about you, just like everyone else around here... Your constable title is only granted to you by me and I can take it away so fast it’ll make your head spin. Do we have an understanding? CHANDLER BLOOD Understood. SHERIFF COOKE Understood, what? CHANDLER BLOOD Understood, sir. SHERIFF COOKE That’s better. You’re dismissed. INT. LEVINE’S GARAGE – LATER SFX: Tools clinking. Metal clang. Footsteps on concrete. CHANDLER BLOOD (to himself) Pig head get’s dropped on my porch and you won’t do shit. “You’re only constable because of me”. Real stand up justice system we got around here... ABE You talkin’ to a carburetor or just mutterin’ at ghosts now? CHANDLER BLOOD Huh? Uhhh, oh, no. Just venting. Long morning. ABE Well, keep your head in the job. That transmission grinds like gravel in a garbage disposal. CHANDLER BLOOD Yeah, sorry Abe. I’ll get it sorted. ABE You ok kid? You’ve been *twitchy* lately. CHANDLER BLOOD I’m good. Just tired. Haven’t been sleeping great. ABE If you say so. CHANDLER BLOOD That’s it. Promise. Just tired. ABE Need anything, just say the word, kid. CHANDLER BLOOD Thanks, Abe. I mean it. Really. INT. DINER – AFTERNOON SFX: PLATES CLATTER. AMBIENT CHATTER. COFFEE POURED. CHANDLER BLOOD Hey, how’s it going? Can I just get a black coffee and a slice of apple pie please? WAITER (unenthused) Java and a wedge of apple, gotcha. CHANDLER BLOOD Thanks. SFX: DOOR CHIMES. FOOTSTEPS. JEN Hi. CHANDLER BLOOD Oh, hi, uh, afternoon ma’am. JEN (laughs at awkward Chandler) Hey Joe whatdya know? cup and a wedge please? WAITER (with a smile) Apple or pecan JEN Hmmm. Apple. WAITER (enthusiastic) Sure thing, Jen. CHANDLER BLOOD You, uh, been coming here long? JEN Not really. You? CHANDLER BLOOD Yeah, but, uh… (speaks low to Jen) I didn’t know his name was Joe. SFX: PLATE AND CUP CLATTER ON HIGHTOP. WAITER (annoyed) I’m literally wearing a nametag. (normal) Anything else? CHANDLER BLOOD Uh, er, *clears throat* no, thank you. Joe. WAITER Mhm. (cheerful) Got yours coming, Jen. JEN Thanks! SFX: CUTLERY ON PLATE. EATING. DRINKING. JEN (CONT) So... you work at Levines? CHANDLER BLOOD (with food in mouth) Hm? Me? er... (swallows) Heh, sorry, uh, yeah, but I’m uh, well, I work for the sheriff’s office, too. I’m the constable. JEN Oh, okay. I’m Jen, nice to meet you mister constable. CHANDLER BLOOD (shy) Oh, yeah, nice to meet you too. Jen. *nervous laugh* Uh, it’s Chandler actually. JEN Hmm? CHANDLER BLOOD My names, Chandler, or Chan *nervous laugh* o-or Chandler, uh just whatever. JEN Well, very nice to meet you Chandler whatever. JEN & CHANDLER *titter* SFX: NAPKIN WIPING HANDS. HANDS SHAKE. WAITER There ya go, enjoy! JEN Thanks, Joe. (to chandler) You gonna finish your pie? CHANDLER BLOOD Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. SFX: EATING. PLATES AND SILVERWARE CLINK. DOG BOY DAN Well, well, well, looks like the Chan man isn’t despised by EVERYONE in town. Ain’t Jen just a sweet little thing? She’s definitely caught hold of Chandler’s eye. I hate to say it folks but the Chan man don’t exactly have this kinda... *social fortune* let’s just call it, very often. Matter of fact I ain’t never seen it happen even once. Hmmm. Well every dog gets it’s day they say, your good buddy Dan here even had his once. So, Chandler Blood, we’re rooting for ya my man! Let’s catch up with these crazy kids a little later. Fade back in to diner Chandler and Jen laughing as if right after a joke was told. JEN Oh my god! I didn’t realize the time. I’m so sorry Chandler I have to go. I really did enjoy talking to you. (as she leaves) Bye! CHANDLER BLOOD Oh, yeah, you too! I-It was great to, uh, maybe, oh, uh BYE! *embarrassment noise* Hey Joe, let me get another piece of pie for the road please. WAITER Let me get YOU to cover her bill she just walked out on and I’ll throw in an extra piece, no charge. CHANDLER BLOOD (frustrated) Oh you’ve got to be kidding me! Really!? Shit!... (intrigued) wait, 2 for 1? WAITER More like 3 for 2 but, yeah, whatever. CHANDLER BLOOD Fine. Give me the check. SFX: PAPER RUSTLING. MONEY. WALLET. Diner fades away. INT. THE APARTMENT – GEAR ROOM – EVENING SFX: Locker opens. Velcro. Metal gear shifts. CHANDLER BLOOD John! I’m home! I brought pie! JOHN MOONE (from other room) I’m back here. CHANDLER BLOOD What are you doing back-holy dicks! Where’d you get this arsenal? JOHN MOONE Nevermind that. Armor up. Silver rounds. Flashlight. You know the drill. CHANDLER BLOOD I don’t even know the syllabus, man. Just tell me if I need to bring a wooden stake or a smoke bomb. JOHN MOONE Neither. Just don’t freeze if things get loud. CHANDLER BLOOD Loud I can handle. It’s the ancient evil that throws me. JOHN MOONE One step at a time, good buddy. EXT. WOODS – DUSK SFX: INSECTS. BRANCHES CRACKING. QUIET FOOTSTEPS. CHANDLER BLOOD So how did you find out something was going on out here? JOHN MOONE *shhh* Building’s just ahead. Looks like an old hunting shed. CHANDLER BLOOD Of course it’s a creepy shed. No one ever hides rituals in a damn Walgreens. JOHN MOONE Stay focused. CHANDLER BLOOD Focused on what? It’s been story time with you since you got back but you’re picking tonight to not tell me what the hells going on? JOHN MOONE Like I told you in the car I got a lead on something I want us to check out. CHANDLER BLOOD Right, but a lead from who? JOHN MOONE It’s complicate- CHANDLER BLOOD Complicated? Yeah, no shit. Wait, is this booze magic stuff? JOHN MOONE More spirit liquor but yeah. Now, quiet. CHANDLER BLOOD Fine. SFX: A FAINT HUM—CHANTING FROM WITHIN. CHANDLER BLOOD (CONT) You hear that? JOHN MOONE Yeah. Let’s move around to the other side. INT. SHED – NIGHT JOHN MOONE Open that gate. I can’t see through the fence over here. SFX: Fence door creaks. Chanting grows louder. Dripping sounds. CHANDLER BLOOD Oh no... oh no, no, no— JOHN MOONE Stay behind me. SFX: Something wet hits the floor. CHANDLER BLOOD That’s... that’s a person. JOHN MOONE Looks like a kid. Recent. CHANDLER BLOOD Jesus Christ... SFX: Chanting STOPS. Silence. One breath. CHANDLER BLOOD (whispers) They *sacrificed* her. JOHN MOONE We have to leave. Now. SFX: Footstep. Branch snaps outside. CHANDLER BLOOD They’re here. Shit— JOHN MOONE MOVE! SFX: Forest chaos. Footsteps. Running. INT. TRUCK – SPEEDING AWAY SFX: Tires crunching. Wind howls. CHANDLER BLOOD (frantic) She was a *kid*. She had a backpack. A bracelet. What the hell is happening!? JOHN MOONE I know. I know, Chan. Well, really I don’t know but I think I’m here to do something about it. With you. CHANDLER BLOOD We were too late. JOHN MOONE We didn’t know... (determined) We won’t be too late next time. CHANDLER BLOOD I don’t want there to be a next time, John. Is this the shit you’ve been dealing with? JOHN MOONE Sometimes. The worst times. CHANDLER BLOOD Dammit. I think we need some more help. JOHN MOONE I think you might be right. CHANDLER BLOOD I think it might be time to start making use of you know who in my head… JOHN MOONE Are you sure you’re ready? CHANDLER BLOOD Ready or not, I’m not gonna just stand by and let things like this happen. I’ve gotta do something. DOG BOY DAN Some pokes carry more than pigs, my babies. Guilt don’t ride easy, and the Chan man’s just taken on another load. What they found tonight? That’ll stick to your soul. The boys are in it now, and the dark ain’t done with them yet. Stick around, y’hear? (Outro credits, etc.)